I'm experiencing shame... How to overcome the feeling of shame?
Mateusz Pawlak
2026-03-24
5 min. read
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Undoubtedly, every one of us has at least once heard or uttered the words, "You ought to feel ashamed", "I am embarrassed for you", or "I feel ashamed". However, not everyone is cognizant of what shame genuinely signifies from a psychological viewpoint. In this article devoted to shame and methods to conquer it, I endeavor to discover answers to questions about the origin of this sensation and its impact on our lives.
Shame on you
As defined by the Dictionary of the Polish Language PWN, shame is a distressing sensation arising from the awareness of inappropriate conduct, statements, etc., typically accompanied by a loss of favorable regard. It is also a sensation of dismay or inhibition. Psychologists categorize shame as an emotion that triggers specific physiological responses, such as blushing or demeaning thoughts. This sensation can also lead to distinct behaviors, such as the impulse to conceal oneself. While shame is widely regarded as a negative emotion, it can also serve constructive purposes. Consequently, shame is divided into healthy and toxic forms. Healthy shame safeguards against reckless actions and helps maintain dignity and moral integrity. In contrast, toxic shame results in a significant decline in self-worth, powerlessness, and isolation.
Is shame truly an emotion – how does it develop?
Shame is a complex emotional response. It can be divided into internal and external shame. Internal shame is directed towards oneself, encompassing feelings of modesty, shyness, or moral purity. External shame, on the other hand, arises from societal evaluations that provoke emotions such as shame, scandal, or inappropriateness. Some experts argue that shame protects human dignity. Children do not experience shame; they can break social norms because „it’s just a child“. However, over time, they hear phrases like „at your age, that’s not acceptable“. Through the educational process, we learn what is right, how to behave in various situations. In this way, societal norms, values, and rules are instilled in us. Each person also develops their own system of beliefs and conscience, albeit with varying degrees of strictness. Shame arises when our behavior contradicts the values we have accepted or had imposed upon us. The greater the discrepancy between how we should behave and reality, the stronger the feeling of shame. In this way, shame serves a regulatory function, helping us improve, but it can also become a source of toxic shame. Some people experience such intense fear of negative judgment that they eventually believe these negative assessments and see themselves as worthless and unsuccessful.
What methods can help in overcoming shame?
Shame serves both a constructive and a destructive role in our lives, so completely eliminating this emotion is not an advisable solution. A person devoid of shame often becomes a valueless individual who acts in an authoritarian manner and disregards others' needs. In the struggle against shame, it is crucial to overcome its harmful form so that it does not hinder our actions. The first step should be a thorough analysis to understand what we feel ashamed of and how it affects our behavior. It is advisable to discuss this with a trusted person, as shame diminishes when we no longer carry it alone. Another effective method is self-acceptance, including all our weaknesses. The source of shame often lies in the gap between our expectations and reality. By reducing these expectations, we minimize the difference that triggers shame. We should therefore value our desires and dreams, as only then can we achieve satisfaction with ourselves. It is also important to remember that each of us is unique. If shame is linked to a specific situation, desensitization can be attempted, which involves gradual exposure to triggers. For example, someone who fears talking to strangers might start by greeting an increasing number of people. There are many techniques that can be applied independently, but sometimes the help of a specialist, such as a psychologist, is necessary. Therapy can help identify the sources of excessive shame and develop healthy coping strategies.
Comprehensive Overview
Shame, though perceived as a negative emotion, serves an essential function in evaluating our behavior and upholding morality. It is not innate but rather shaped by the socialization process, during which the understanding of social norms and the development of personal values become crucial. When our actions contradict accepted standards, shame may arise. In cases of excessive, paralyzing shame, we refer to it as toxic shame. There are various strategies for coping with this emotion, but in challenging situations, professional psychological assistance may be indispensable.
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